oldgraymare (oldgraymare) wrote,
oldgraymare
oldgraymare

bad bad time

 I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now...what else is new...

First of all, if you've ever read my posts before I've relayed this story a zillion times, so sorry if you are sick of it lol
About a year and a half ago i fell ill with depression panic anxiety and all that lovely stuff, thought I was dying, felt like I was losing my mind, couldnt function at all, so on and so forth.  Fortunately no longer panicky and crazy feeling, but still feel sick and out of it.  I am not working many hours because of it and am no behind on loan payments.

Also my brother is a type 1 diabetic and an addisonion.  A few years ago he started getting random drops in blood sugar so severe he would end up in a sort of drunken state, which progressed to what i guess were small seizures, which progressed to being in a total vegetable state.  The last time this happened, he ended up in the ICU, doctors thinking he had some sort of brain infection as he had some blood on his brain or something, they had him sedated and on antibiotics and he now has short term memory loss.  He had terrible vomiting and diarrhea his last day in there and then got home and he recuperated well enough other than the memory loss.  Oddly enough, since the hospital his lows have not effected the way they did before, he just feels low, treats it and thats that.  But we still don't know why his blood sugar dropped like that.  They don't know why these lows started, i mean he eats things he shouldnt but hes smart about it he knows how to balance his diabetes so...

They also dont know why his addison's meds arent working properly which an off the charts blood test indicates.  And no one knows exactly what happened the night my mom found him and he ended up in the ICU...and since the hospital he keeps having these 'rushes' he calls them, i guess just a palpitation kind of thing, that are uncomfortable enough to make him stop what hes doing and brace himself against them.  My brother is the kind of person who, despite everything thats gone wrong with his health, still poopoos any little symptom he feels.  he wont even tell you hes feeling something unless it really is uncomfortable for him or he cant hide them, so when he does something like that even though its just a little momentary rush, i know it feels bad to him.  hes had several of them today apparently so im freakin out.  plus he keeps getting random bouts of diarrhea. nothing major but obviously that isnt normal.  and he keeps complaining about pain in his heart area, which again sounds not major but with his body and also the way he doesnt mention anything again it must be something big....his doc thinks that on top of his two other autoimmune diseases that he might have celiac so maybe his intestines are messed up right now i dont know...i just feel like i dont know what to expect next from him.  He says hes mentioned the weird heart pains and head rushy things to his docs and theyve said basically "hmm thats odd" and nothing more which makes me think he isnt pressing the matter enough because his doctors arent just going to ignore something like that and if they are ignoring it then im really terrified for his health...i would totally take him to the er or something right now if i had the authority but no no with he and my family, unless hes puking up his guts or passed out on the floor, theres no need for the emergency no no...i am so afraid especially tonight with his little head rushes that are "nothing at all" that something awful is going to happen that hes going to pass out or start vomiting and have to go to the ER or i'll just go to wake him up tomorrow and find him dead or something...and i cant ignore those thoughts because shit just keeps happening to him so i cant reassure myself and say "oh come on now, has that ever happened before?" kind of thing...

Thirdly, my sister is now going through what i went through.  Shes in the awful state I was in last year, feeling like death, going out of her mind, sobbing, calling everyone she knows for reassurance even though nothing anyone says can make her feel better as i know all too well...she keeps turning to me for answers since i went through it and i dont know what to tell her because i just...got through it, there was no special technique other than just living through it and feeling like i was in hell until it wasnt so intense anymore...i keep telling her it goes away but i know in her state nothing i say is going to make a dent right now...uhg and shes just called saying she feels throwuppy so now i dont know if that means shes got a stomach virus or its just stress and i was around her yesterday and today so im all worried she has a stomach virus even though its probably just the stress anxiety, panic, depression thing...

My poor parents are old and exhausted and stretched to the limit with everything that is happening i am so worried for their health right now...plus my dad has fucked himself over with some issues with his car and will not have one for four weeks and will have to make a fine commute of bus, subway, train, and another bus just to get to work so God knows how that will go over...
i just feel really trapped its awful...i cant get away cause i dont even feel well enough myself to escape heh and i have no one to turn to since everyone in my family is just sucked of any ability to provide strength or reassurance...and it just seems to be one thing after another every time i think i cant take anymore, more is piled on and it doesnt seem to be stopping...i dont even know how i will relax enough to sleep tonight its just a ridiculous frickin amount of stress and all i can do is vent and vent and vent some more.  thanks for reading.
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