oldgraymare (oldgraymare) wrote,

stream of consciousness

made it through work.  yah!  nausea still here.  boooo.  trying to use google for good instead of evil and read up on everything i find to do with nausea and anxiety rather than nausea and MEGA DEATTHHH.  Also trying fiber.  mmm rich in bloaty goodness.  I hate emetophobia.  I hate any phobia.  And right now i have many.  Course, i'm convinced fiber is going to upset my stomach and make me feel worse and, self-fufilling prohpecy, i'm now having intestinal issues, part of it involving nearly puking.  GOOD TIMES!  I feel like i'm in that star wars episode of family guy where cleavland is R2D2 and Quagmire is C3PO and they've just smoked up and Quagmire is all: "Just-just...just-just tell me I - I don't have to stay in this room." Cleavland: "What?"  Quagmire: "Just...just tell me right now that I - I don't have to stay in this room."  I relate to that very much at the moment.  Just...just tell me that I'm not going to start puking my guts out.  Cause I certainly feel like I might.  

Its interesting having a hum of anxiety underlying everything I do.  Annoying but interesting.  Theres a lot of auto pilot business that goes on, as my mind is always focused inward.  I sometimes find myself realizing I'm in the middle of a conversation, which to me seems like an activity that you have to be pretty engaged in to pull off but apparently my full attention isn't required.

FUCK I wish I was on the other side of this shit looking back with a smirk of how I made it through and how ridiculous it all was.  Are you there, God?  It's me, the oldgraymare.  THROW ME A BONE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!


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