oldgraymare (oldgraymare) wrote,
oldgraymare
oldgraymare

stream of consciousness

made it through work.  yah!  nausea still here.  boooo.  trying to use google for good instead of evil and read up on everything i find to do with nausea and anxiety rather than nausea and MEGA DEATTHHH.  Also trying fiber.  mmm rich in bloaty goodness.  I hate emetophobia.  I hate any phobia.  And right now i have many.  Course, i'm convinced fiber is going to upset my stomach and make me feel worse and, self-fufilling prohpecy, i'm now having intestinal issues, part of it involving nearly puking.  GOOD TIMES!  I feel like i'm in that star wars episode of family guy where cleavland is R2D2 and Quagmire is C3PO and they've just smoked up and Quagmire is all: "Just-just...just-just tell me I - I don't have to stay in this room." Cleavland: "What?"  Quagmire: "Just...just tell me right now that I - I don't have to stay in this room."  I relate to that very much at the moment.  Just...just tell me that I'm not going to start puking my guts out.  Cause I certainly feel like I might.  

Its interesting having a hum of anxiety underlying everything I do.  Annoying but interesting.  Theres a lot of auto pilot business that goes on, as my mind is always focused inward.  I sometimes find myself realizing I'm in the middle of a conversation, which to me seems like an activity that you have to be pretty engaged in to pull off but apparently my full attention isn't required.

FUCK I wish I was on the other side of this shit looking back with a smirk of how I made it through and how ridiculous it all was.  Are you there, God?  It's me, the oldgraymare.  THROW ME A BONE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!



 
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