having a difficult time

i am constantly worried about my brother.  cant stop.  hes been having some serious health issues and he hasnt been feeling too well the past  few days.  its gotten to the point that i dont even want to see him because im so worried about him.  i cant stand being around it.  i mean its not as if hes in the icu anymore, hes even been going to work, but the past few days every time i talk to him hes had a splitting head ache or his stomach is bothering him or he is shivering, whatever that means, chills i guess...everything is so up in the air and i cant stand to th ink that his every day is suffrage...i just wish his doctors knew wtf was going on and could get him stabilized.  its not fair, hes so young and hasnt had a chance to get anywhere because his health keeps dragging him down and taking up his every day.  i feel helpless.


 woke up from a fried green tomatoes dream.  it was quite lovely i was sort of iggy and i rode that chick who is her best friend over to my place and there waas some lovely scenery i think some anne of green gables slipped in there heh.  we got stopped by the police on the way though and as iggy i kept teasing them making them look foolish.  felt good, empowering.  then i woke up :P.  feel off colour which is nothing new but worried myself a little into thinking i was going to be sick.  not too badly but enough to make me sit  up to try and deal with it.  just was worrying about my dad last night as he had a cough...hate it when hes sick...this is really getting boring.

Stress List

 Work - may lose my job since i missed boxing day and now missed a shift with no excuse other than my own air-headedness
positive - all i can do is be truthful and say i could have sworn i wasnt booked.  if they fire me, my parents can still pay loans for now.  i will get another job in future.  but in all likely hood i will get a talking to and written up.  i know im a decent dedicated and serious worker, im just going through a very difficult period.

Weight - continuing to lose weight, despite eating three good meals a day, sometimes more and not being at all active.
positive - was always skinny before i started eating crap.  am eating much healthier now.  eating smaller portions now.  still little appetite.  have had numerous blood tests, stomach tests, intestinal tests showing nothing...just keep eating..

foggy head, blurry vision - still cant satisfactorily connect this dream-like feeling with murky vision to anything i can come up with
positive - there are still possibilities, whether i believe them or not.  as im still losing weight, perhaps im just not eating enough to get good energy.  again - just keep eating.  could very well be related to muscle tension, poor sleep.  perhaps its simply a symptom of depression as there is such a thing as derealization.  your brain neverstops, so...

brother - constant worry about his health and short term memory loss
positive - he has done very well since coming home, no night time lows.  a lot of what befell him was his being lazy with his diabetes care, has to be as he is doing very well under my diligent care.  he is still able to take care of himself for the most part.  is very intelligent, young, his memory should come back.

therapy - am becoming more and more skeptical that cbt will work for me
positive - ive never tried it in a more directed setting, or with a support group.  if i take it more seriously and give it my all, perhaps it will work very well and i will feel better.  even if physical symptoms dont go away, at least i will get a better attitude about them and perhaps that will ease them somewhat.

parents - old, tired, stressed over brothers and my health, am worried they could become ill themselves on top of everything
positive - they are fully capable adults.  they can take care of themselves and know whats best for them.  all you can do is be as helpful to them as possible through this time.  the rest is up to them, and is out of your control.  you are their child, they are the parents.  only your mother can stop her over working...

more ramblings

 how long am i going to have to do this?  i feel like a trapped animal.  nothing i do makes me feel better...i can't even lay on my back without feelin achey and nauseous like wtf?...if only i could learn to float...
i never know when im going to wake up feeling shaky and weird.  i never feel more than half awake at best...never have any strength.  always randomly twitch...
is this the rest of my life?  or is this going to get worse and kill me?


 the only thing i have to fear is myself.  im so sick of feeling like i have no control over my thoughts, emotions, reactions...this has all been like such a nightmare and its still going...dramatics, i know...where do you go when you are afraid of yourself?  when you dont trust anything you think or believe...

(no subject)

made dinner.  now i'm all worried i've poisoned my father and myself heh.  any time he acts especially tired, which is often as he is in his 60s and gets up quite early for work, i worry that hes ill or going to be ill...so now i'm afraid to relax heh.  i wish evolution would rid us of the need to seep heh.  at least during times of crazy.

GAWD i hope i can get up the gumption to get help so all of this never happens again.

I won't let me sleep :P

so id like to go to bed right now, as I feel like I'm half asleep every waking minute these days.  But my brain wont let me.  This nausea has gotten to me and I'm convinced that i'm going to wake up in the middle of the night having to puke.  I don't know why it matters how it happens.  I just have always hated that awful feeling where you wake up, kind of disoriented and anxious but you don't know why and then it hits you and...uch...so now i just feel like crying...It feels like all my food is sitting right beneath my breast bone, trying to force it way out through my ribs or something.  SOOOOOO SICK OF THIIIIIS.  Can't stop thinking, can't stop worrying, can't let go.  

I think I passed on my stomach issues to my cat.  he farts.  all the time. like...all the time.  The most rank, pungent, vile expulsions of gaseous hell that he unleashes unexpectedly whilst sticking his butt in your face.  pretty sure its intentional...he knows what he does...

stream of consciousness

made it through work.  yah!  nausea still here.  boooo.  trying to use google for good instead of evil and read up on everything i find to do with nausea and anxiety rather than nausea and MEGA DEATTHHH.  Also trying fiber.  mmm rich in bloaty goodness.  I hate emetophobia.  I hate any phobia.  And right now i have many.  Course, i'm convinced fiber is going to upset my stomach and make me feel worse and, self-fufilling prohpecy, i'm now having intestinal issues, part of it involving nearly puking.  GOOD TIMES!  I feel like i'm in that star wars episode of family guy where cleavland is R2D2 and Quagmire is C3PO and they've just smoked up and Quagmire is all: "Just-just...just-just tell me I - I don't have to stay in this room." Cleavland: "What?"  Quagmire: "Just...just tell me right now that I - I don't have to stay in this room."  I relate to that very much at the moment.  Just...just tell me that I'm not going to start puking my guts out.  Cause I certainly feel like I might.  

Its interesting having a hum of anxiety underlying everything I do.  Annoying but interesting.  Theres a lot of auto pilot business that goes on, as my mind is always focused inward.  I sometimes find myself realizing I'm in the middle of a conversation, which to me seems like an activity that you have to be pretty engaged in to pull off but apparently my full attention isn't required.

FUCK I wish I was on the other side of this shit looking back with a smirk of how I made it through and how ridiculous it all was.  Are you there, God?  It's me, the oldgraymare.  THROW ME A BONE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!